It's okay, I am use to it.

For nearly my whole entire life, I have always been an over achiever. Kristy always got more gold stars then most people. Who would have thought that I would have royally messed up my life. I graduated on time with a baby, most people don't do that, but me, I am smart enough to graduate with triplets.
I had my son and he is great! He is a pretty good kid and I am with his dad (currently) which also most teenagers are not. I know that after I had my baby at least 20 other people i knew that were still in school had kids. The majority did not graduate or have not yet graduated. Also the majority are also not with their baby's dad's.
So honestly I'm looking like a pretty shiny nickel right about now aren't I? Well thats what most people think. The truth is, I am far from a shiny nickel. I'm a dirty penny on the street no one will even pick up.
After graduation I had such high hopes, and a bright future. I was an honor roll student and I graduated with enough credits to graduate twice. However I did the most stupid thing I swore that I would not do after witnessing my sister go through not doing.
I should have gone straight into post secondary I would have been half way done. However I didnt do anything right after highschool. BIG MISTAKE. Now i am turning 20 in march and nothing. no school no job no career.
Im so upset with the way that life turned out for me, of course i dont regret my son he is an amazing little boy. Its me, i wish that i could still be a size1-3 in jeans Xs in shirts. but im not I wish that I could travel the world, go to university in the states, and do something more than i am now, writing a blog bitching about it. I mean it really is my own fault i guess but the thing is i want to get as far away from this god damn town as i can. I just want to runaway and leave and not have to look back. All the people that I went to school with get to live in paris and dominican and go travelling and see the world but i cant even go to alberta for the weekend without getting bitched at by someone and called a bad mother by someone. Im still so young and I still have all this potential and i feel like the person that I am with doesnt really care enough to support me in my time of need.
I really wish that I could go travel the united states of america but the fiuthest ive been is bellingham WA. thats only a half hour drive from the sheltered little suburb Delta BC canada. And lets face it being like 2 minutes away from surrey is honestly just brutal all these little brown people walking around with their colorful shoes and their glitter hats and their stupid flowery skull sweaters. and they talk like the are from brooklyn, sadly enough little brown boys. Your not from brooklyn and the majority of people that are in vancouver that are white dont want you there either. You should be in india in their hunble opinions. And whatever its their opinion and they are intitled to it, i myself have never been a racial person however surrey officially and even the most parts of north delta have been slowly but surely taken over by sikhs.
Thats honestly another reason that I want to get out of this god damn place and i never will. but thats okay my happiness doesnt mean anything to anyone else.

Should I stay or should I go?

So for the past year and a half, coming up on two years in feburary chris and i have been together and things have had there rocky moments but the good usually out weighs the bad. I have a lot on my mind all the time. Ironically enough for the past couple years that weve been together i have been feeling very down. At first i thought it was just being a teenager mother and having lost a lot of friends to provide for my son at such a young age instead of going out and partying. So I was getting very depressed and stressed out. Long story short I was put on an anti depressant. Thinking that it was because of being a mother this whole time till just recently. before me and my babys dad got back together i think that i was pretty happy.. i mean not completely happy i wanted to be with him but i wasnt feeling the way i was feeling during the last year. COULD IT BE FROM MY BOYFRIEND?? all these possibilities piling up in my head. I love him so much but at the same time, somethings telling me that he DOESNT love me back and that all my ex friends that said he is only with me because of our son and hes only with you so you dont fuck him over for child support, i guess alll the negativity from my friends is piling up in my head. I feel like im being taken for granted of. I know it was a joke but today he called me cunt and hooker and i know it was a joke but it really pissed me off. And to boot he hit me with some books i know we were just play fighting i mean i hit him back with the books and it was lightly but fuck, i wish he had a little bit more appreciation for the woman that gave birth to his child. to his first son.
He says that he never wants to get married. WHY NOT??!! That really bugs me considering that i have always had this image in my head that gave me the title of wife and a man the title of huband.
either i can have the image in my head my whole life and be happy and him be miserable. Or should I let him have his way like always and give up my dreams even though i did enough of giving up on my dreams being a teenage mother and for the first six months a single teenage mother and let him be happy and not married.
WHAT SHOULD I DO!!??? SHOULD I STAY AND BE UPSET AND NOT HAPPY THE REST OF MY LIFE HAVING MY DREAMS CONTINIOUSLY CRUSHED AND MY LIFE FULL OF DISOPOINTMENT SHOULD I GO AND BE UNHAPPY THAT I LOST THE ONE GUY THAT I ALWAYS LOVED AND ALWAYS WILL. AND FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL MARRY ME OR SHOULD I JUST LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY LIKE ALWAYS?!
i mean im not saying that he needs to ask me to marry him tomorrow and have our wedding in a week but make an effort be engaged for a while i mean i dont think there is anything that wrong with me.
He said this afternoon when he though that we were "play fighting" how do you even have a boyfriend that honestly realllly fucking pissed me off. like i am your girlfriend how dare you fucking say that to me. like if im such a shitty person why dont you just break the fuck up with me?? hes being really rude lately and i know that he thinks its a joke i know that he thinks that we are playing but c'mon i am honestly at my wits end with this whole situation. im soo worn out and tired. more of a jaded feeling.. little bit of both.